Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for Team USA and my Italian peeps, but I’m just not in the mood to capture every moment. Instead, I present you with a randomly composed list of absurd alternatives.

1. Create your own version of the Olympics. May we suggest The Toilet Seat Toss.

2. Put your mouth to work. Easy there gutter minds, we’re referring to Lip Stick Art.

Art by Natalie Irish

3. Buy your best girl a new outfit and take her out on the town. This only works if you keep a straight face during real conversations with said girl in public. Try restaurants and a trip to the grocery store for starters.

4. Turn that blanket fort into a venue in your backyard and host your friend’s band or even an indie film night.

5. Call it a cop-out if you want, but if all else fails, you can mute the Olympics and replace it with your best Ron Burgundy style commentary.

Feel free to submit your own. We’ll be waiting…